• @popejephei i think you do golf. just surreptitiously. you’re a surreptitious golfer. #
• and I still can’t find a pair of glasses that’s been awol all week. #
• Chicago Police resolve situation without violence or arrest: http://tinyurl.com/5rou3y #
• First metra lotto winnings in a month. Heard that @thesqueeze is on a near perfect record of free AM rides. I’m completely jealous. Somewhat #

The lovely J woke me up at 1:30a.  “Someone’s trying to break in!  I’ve heard someone trying to get in the front door.”

Fuck.

So I started The Sweep.  Being somewhat paranoid* I have a pattern of how I sweep the house.  I started it.  And when I got to the front room — it was empty.  But then I looked out the small window of the front door.

And there was someone sitting on our step.

Holy crap!  But — then again — if they’re just sitting there — what’s up?

It was our neighbor, whom we’ve seen wandering around drunk at 9a.  He lives four houses down.  And he thought this was clearly his place.

I go out and ask him to leave.

He says:

“No! This is my house!”

“Hey — you gotta dollar on the side?”

“Who — that’s right!  Good seeing you.”

“I’m an old man.  Get off of my propoerty.”

“How much did you pay for this place?”

“You know what? You’re kinda cute!”

And then he went back to trying to get in the front door. Only, this time, he took out a single, and attempted to feed it in, vending machine style.

“Hey — can you make this thing work? I gotta go to bed!”

That’s when J called the cops.  Oh yeah, the 911 operator started giggling when J described the scene.  Nice.

He was still at the stick a dollar in the door game when they arrived, about 5 minutes later.  They managed to get him off of my steps and back to his house with nothing more than some sharply toned verbal direction.  No arrest, no guns, no cuffs.  The right approach.

Hey Chicago Cops who showed up: Thanks, guys.  I appreciate the help.

Now I wonder what to say to the guy the next time I see him sober.  I’m pretty sure he’ll claim amnesia.  I’ll keep you posted.

* Being paranoid doesn’t mean no one is out to get you.